“G.I. Joe: Retaliation” Movie Review – Now on DVD and Blu-ray

GI Joe Retaliation 1“G.I. Joe: Retaliation”

I often wonder why films about toys, board games and other seemingly unadaptable, not filmable and unnecessary keep getting made. I then went to the Wikipedia page for this film and its predecessor and got the answer. They made hundreds of millions of dollars.

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G.I. Joe: Retaliation carries on straight from the end of The Rise of Cobra. The G.I. Joe’s are wiped out by the order of a Cobra henchman who’s masquerading as the President of the United States but some survive and must attempt to stop Cobra Commander from taking over the world.

That was a short plot summary because the plot doesn’t matter, hell it barely exists. From the beginning of this film there is leaden dialogue in abundance with a vast number of jokes utterly devoid of humour and charm. The characters lack any resemblance to real people. They deal with the deaths of countless people in rather unusual ways.

The best example of this occurs towards the end of the film. This isn’t really a spoiler because the event I’m about to describe is in the trailer and also I don’t think you should watch this movie. Basically, the whole of London is wiped out by an orbital strike and literally no one cares. Hell, supposedly the British Prime Minister is in the scene where it happens and he doesn’t say anything. It is literally just a senseless use of special effects that is forgotten within seconds.

However, before I go on dissecting the rest of this offense to cinema I would like to make it clear I don’t blame anyone in the film for how it turned out. I’m pretty sure everyone involved did it for a pay cheque and nothing else, hence why the film is passionless, and people need to eat. I will also continue to watch films with Dwayne Johnson, Channing Tatum and Bruce Willis in because they’re likeable actors who probably aren’t proud of the film. The same goes for the other actors and crew involved with the film but that’s mainly due to the fact I have no idea who any of them were and I won’t recognise them.

But whoever did the editing in this film probably shouldn’t be allowed to work again. The film seems patched together at best, there are too many cuts to try and keep the certificate child friendly which ultimately kills any excitement in most of the action scenes, which is unfortunately most of the film. Also the writers probably need to go do a creative writing course because judging by this film they haven’t been on one and they probably need it. They also wrote a joke about waterboarding which was crass and quite frankly offensive. The film also suffers from severe tonal issues, it tries to be serious and then funny which doesn’t really work because it makes everything just seem completely forced.

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I saw The Rise of Cobra and surprisingly enjoyed it; it had a great cast who had a surprising amount of fun with a film which could have been truly awful. It’s a shame that the same approach wasn’t taken with this film. It basically took itself too seriously and lacked the charm of the previous film and it didn’t seem to accept the extremely silly source material. On the brightside, at least it’s not quite as bad as Battleship. 

0.2 out of 5