“Hitman: Agent 47” Movie Review – Now On DVD and Blu-ray

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hitman agent 47 posterHitman: Agent 47

HITMAN: AGENT 47 is compiled of duct tape fastened pieces of THE TERMINATOR, TERMINATOR 2, THE MATRIX and, strangely, “That’s So Raven”.

Katia van Dees (Ware) is looking for her father in Berlin. John Smith (Quinto) is looking for Katia to hopefully find her father. Agent 47 (Friend) is looking for Katia to hopefully find her father too.

Also Read: “We Are Your Friends” Movie Review

The rest of the story I will leave up to you, dear reader, as I don’t want to come out here in the first review I write for this site & spoil a movie. Don’t get me wrong: this movie deserves to be spoiled. It’s bad. It’s really, really bad. But I’ll let you decipher what happens in HITMAN based on the movies referenced above that this movie unapologetically steals from.

I understand that Agent 47, who was supposed to be played by the late Paul Walker, was created to have no emotions, but Rupert Friend was poorly miscast. Friend looks like Dopey if he reached normal size instead of staying in the forest with six other dwarves and is unable to be taken seriously in the role. Katia was the most interesting character until she spends most of the third act crying about her father. How Quinto kept a straight face while saying his ridiculous lines fascinated me. His dialogue as Syler in “Heroes” was Mamet compared to the junk Skip Woods (X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE, A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD) has for him here.

First-time feature director Aleksander Bach used his background as a music video director to make the movie look stylized & bland at the same time. The first action scene perfectly encapsulates this. The scene features 47 fighting generic thugs in suits in a large multi-story stairwell after the building alarm sounds and sets off not one but two different sets of strobe lights: one white, one blue. I was astonished no one in the theatre began having epileptic seizures. Also, every bad guy thrown over the rotunda surrounding the stairwell, about 5 of them, hits their head on the same 5 foot long section of railing below. And each time they hit the rail, it is the same camera angle, meaning it is quite possible they shot each dummy hitting the rail in one 60 second long take.

HITMAN does, however, feature what might be the funniest scene of the summer. I laughed more during the second major action scene than the whole of VACATION a month ago. This is the one portion of the movie I recommend so I won’t spoil it either. But I will say it involves a jet engine factory, the twist in THE MATRIX and what appears to be a spring-loaded “Jaws of Life” device hanging from the ceiling plus Katia’s weird foresight ability (hence the “That’s So Raven” reference).

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The likelihood of you or anyone you know enjoying HITMAN is directly related to the number of movies you’ve seen in your life. The higher that number (1299 for me, per Letterboxd), the more likely you will find this 97 minute slog boring & derivative in the quiet scenes and messy & headache-inducing in the action scenes. Welcome to the doldrums of August/September.

1 out of 5Fandango - Movie Tickets Online