Tom Hardy in This Means War. Al Pacino in Jack and Jill or Jack and Donuts. Forest Whitaker in Battlefield Earth. Virtually everybody in the Star Wars prequels. Many top tier/world-renowned actors have all starred in complete piles of sh*t and now the brilliant Kevin Spacey has entered into this realm with Nine Lives. The movie tells the never-before-seen story of a workaholic father not spending enough time with his family, so, through some miracle of movie magic, lightning forces him to re-evaluate himself by placing him into the body of a cat.
Firstly, the premise of this movie doesn’t make any sense. The way his comatose body can return to his family is by being nice to them when he’s a cat? If this is the logic this universe is telling me, you can bet your bottom dollar I’m taking this to heart.
On top of that, Kevin Spacey’s character honestly isn’t even that bad of a father. The worst thing the guy did was miss the beginning of a birthday party because he was busy spending company hours asking what present he should get his daughter. He also knew she loved cats so clearly he knows her likes/dislikes. He also answered his phone angrily because the antagonist Ian (Mark Consuelos), was threatening a company he spent his entire life building up. What. A. Monster. Ian was also so busy twirling his mustache evilly throughout the movie that I’m surprised his fingers didn’t fall off.
“Lazy” doesn’t really begin to describe the movie. Every trope you can possibly think of is in Nine Lives. There were a few moments I genuinely laughed aloud because I thought of how ridiculous these lines were that Spacey was reading through. He’s thinking “I am getting paid handsomely for spewing out catchphrases wearing my pajamas in a recording booth. I’m the President of the United States of America! This is going to pay for that yacht.” That is where my enjoyment came from. Character motivations were here, there, and everywhere. I don’t know why anyone was doing anything. The movie never thoroughly explained why Ian despised Spacey’s character so much and they kind of skim through the company going public aspect to it. I quite enjoyed the corporate backstabbing, but I’m not sure how many six year olds are well versed in the dealings with the New York Stock Exchange.
There were also SO many lapses in judgement and logic in Nine Lives that it hurt. There were moments that had me wondering, is this a lost episode of The Twilight Zone? If so, it’s a lost episode Rod Serling wanted to stay lost.
1 out of 5